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Dating Politics 101

  • Posted on September 4, 2010 at 11:20 am

The Republican and Democratic Parties remind me of dating.  You’ve been dating a couple guys for awhile now but it’s time to get serious.  One guy seems nice enough.  He takes you to all the right places.  He wines and dines you and you feel special but alas, when the credit card bill comes, you realize you’ve been footing the bill.  The other guy takes you to fun places too, but you’re a little worried that he’s spending over his limit.  It seems almost too good to be true.  There’s something a little off about both of these guys but you can’t quite put your finger on it.

Meanwhile, you’re busy trying to keep these two guys separated because if one finds out about the other, the jig is up.  Any way you look at it, this is a dishonest relationship.  If you sneak around and go dancing with the Republican Party, you are going to pay in the morning.  He isn’t apt to forgive you for fooling around with a “Democrat”, so you better get used to the dirty looks and “God fearing” lecture you’re going to get.  And trust me; you will get a lecture, just like your dad gave you when you backed that car up into the mailbox.  You are going to hear every tirade in the book about “responsibility”.   We all know what “superficial responsibility” is.  It’s that responsibility “word” Republicans always use when they talk about “personal responsibility”.  It seems like a Republican always has that mantra of “When in Rome do as the Romans do, just don’t get caught.”  Personal responsibility means you talk about living with a moral compass and God being your guide but secretly you could be dating your next wife while your current poor wife is in the hospital with cancer. JUST DON’T GET CAUGHT!  Now, if he does get caught, he will need to have his “come to Jesus” moment and beg for forgiveness.  After all the American people are pretty stupid but they do like to forgive those that come crawling back for their vote.  If you date the Republican long enough you might start thinking like he does.  When you catch yourself berating the poor bloke that can’t find a job by telling him to “pick himself up by the bootstraps”, you will know that some of those Republican ways are rubbing off on you.

In the end, after all of the dating, you will get the bill.  It will be in your tax statement filed under “personal responsibility” after the November election.  While you’re busy figuring out what went wrong with the relationship, he’ll be off making sure to extend the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy.  He’ll soon forget you as in reality he was really into Bush in the first place.  That’s his first love.  Then he’ll go to work on social security and of course try to privatize it as he never saw a government program that couldn’t use a little privatization.

Dating the Democrat hasn’t been any easier on you.  You thought you knew what you were getting.  You thought you could count on that guy.  He seemed so clean cut and all American.  What’s not to love?  However, you’ve been living a nightmare trying to figure out who this guy is.  On one hand he seems to be really into you, but sometimes you catch him giving a glancing eye at that Republican girl friend of yours.  It could be your imagination but you’re kind of wondering if something is up between the two of them.  You aren’t used to guys that don’t give you their undivided attention on a date.  He acts like he’s really into you until that Republican friend of yours walks in and sits down.  Boy does he show her a lot of attention.  You can’t quite figure out if he secretly is a Republican or he just admires them”?  What could it be?

You are so confused by all of this but a decision has to be made by November.  Do you dance with the guy that brought you to the party or do you take off with the new guy.  You really wish you had another choice but alas you know that third guy just couldn’t swing the vote.  So you sit down and go through your priorities.  If you vote for the Republican, you know you’re going to get screwed because he has to pay for extending the Bush tax cuts some way and if you vote for the Democrat well, at least, hopefully, he won’t extend those tax cuts.  Now, he still could extend the tax cuts because he still keeps eyeing your Republican girlfriend.  However, you are hopeful that he’ll leave your social security alone.  This decision is so bad.  With the Republican, you know what you are going to get and with the Democrat, you’re not exactly sure what you’re going to get.  However, you know that he won’t be quite as bad as the Republican.  So vote for and dance with the Democrat and hope he stops eyeing your Republican girl friend!

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